Who I’m becoming

I change for the better, but that’s not enough

It’s selfish, we both are

Every reason I give only makes you upset

So I’m upset

I’m sorry my choices shake you this much

I’m just trying to breathe in a future I trust

But I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to feel

I don’t know how to break who I am

Just to make you heal

New year, new me, that’s what they say

But every step forward pulls us away

I hear you crying through a phone line

And I’m dying trying not to cross mine

I can’t pick and choose what I believe

That’s not how a soul survives

I’m changing for peace

Not running from you

But it feels like I’m losing your eyes

I feel like you love me

But hate who I am now

I feel like I’m trying

And you’re shutting me down

I don’t wanna go back

To the dark I outgrew

But it feels like you miss

The broken old me more than the new

I’m not numb

I’m not gone

I’m just trying to be strong

But every time I stand up

I’m not enough for who I’m becoming

You say you miss when I needed you more

When I was a mess on the bathroom floor

Depressed, anxious, barely alive

Now I see light and you close your eyes

I don’t wanna be that guy again

Counting pills and counting sins

I’ve been praying for my future

And I don’t know if you’re in it

I get laughed at when I clock in

I swallow jokes just to fit in

I’m tired of being everybody’s weight

While I’m fighting to not self-destruct again

This time I say what I really think

This time I don’t pretend

But somehow that makes me the villain

For trying to live again

I feel like you love me

But hate who I am now

I feel like I’m healing

And you’re breaking me down

I don’t wanna go back

To the storm I outgrew

But it feels like you want

The old pain more than the truth

I’m not weak

I’m just hurt

I’m just scared it won’t work

But every time I choose myself

I’m not enough for who I’m becoming

I love you

I swear that I do

But I can’t keep bleeding

Just to stay close to you

I won’t be a shadow

Of who I was

Just to prove that I’m worthy of love

I feel like you love me

But hate who I am

I feel like I’m growing

And you don’t understand

I don’t wanna lose you

But I can’t lose me

So I’m standing right here

In the person I’m learning to be

I’m not broken

I’m not done

I’m just scared of what we’ve become

But if being myself

Means I’m not enough

Then maybe I was never loved

For who I’m becoming