[Spoken word intro]
Are you having a good time?!!!
Well grim up!!! We're about to make some of you sad... While the rest of us laugh our asses off!
[Verse 1]
My ex broke up with me beautifully
Like rich folks do on cable TV
Candlelight and chamomile tea
Voice calm like one-on-one therapy
She said, “I know this hurts like hell”
While folding sweaters neat and well
Then rubbed my shoulder carefully
Like comforting a tragedy
[Pre-Chorus]
She said, “You’re stronger than you think”
Then paused and slowly took a drink
I said, “I do appreciate that thought
But I may die beside this sink”
[Chorus]
No regrets, no regrets
That’s what my ex kept saying next
“You’ll survive, you’ll find your spark”
While I sat there shell-shocked in the dark
No regrets, no regrets
“You always handle pain the best”
Which sounds supportive when you say it
But still feels deeply passive-aggressive
[Verse 2]
She packed her things so thoughtfully
Like sadness came professionally
Left me the air fryer and an old bag of ice
Which honestly I thought was pretty nice
I murmured burial or cremation
As I cried over my LEGO creation
She said, “Keep the Millennium Falcon”
Like it’s grief stabilization
[Pre-Chorus]
She said, “I never meant you harm”
And honestly, she still seemed warm
She looked kind of sad as she finished up her chore
Watching me dissolve on the kitchen floor
[Chorus]
No regrets, no regrets
That’s the line my ex suggests
“Sometimes love just changes shape”
Like our romance rebranded as escape
No regrets, no regrets
“You still deserve happiness”
Meanwhile I’m naming every houseplant
Like a man under house arrest
[Pre-Bridge]
She said, “You’ve still got LEGO sets
And every gaming console yet
You’ve got snacks and streaming apps
And sweatpants built for healing naps
You’ll binge some shows, you’ll be okay
You’ll make weird little jokes someday”
Then gently smiled and patted me
Like a grief support manatee
[Bridge]
And somehow she was kind throughout it
Which made it harder to get through it
If she had screamed or thrown my keys
I’d have some cleaner memories
But no, she spoke in measured tones
Validated all my wounds
Then left me with a weighted blanket
And herbal tea for post-doom moods
[Final Chorus]
No regrets, no regrets
That’s the phrase my ex said best
“You’ll heal slowly day by day”
Then softly cried and walked away
No regrets, no regrets
I’m not there emotionally yet
But if heartbreak builds character
I’m now a deeply layered wreck.
