I tried being away. I tried staying off my phone stop checking as much stopped waiting for notifications. Stop looking for reasons to open my messages. Every few minutes I tried keeping myself busy and letting the days pass without constantly reaching for something that would remind me of you. And for a while, I thought maybe this is what I needed. Maybe if I disappeared from everything for a little while I would finally learn how to live without you but the more I stayed away the more I realize this isn’t the life I want I don’t wanna get used to not talking to you. I don’t wanna learn how to wake up without wondering how you’re doing I don’t want my phone to become quiet and have to convince myself that I’m OK with it. I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t check because I finally stopped hoping I don’t wanna become so good at living without you that one day I forget what it felt like to have you in my life I thought being away would make me miss you less. It made me realize how much I miss everything. I miss having you there. I miss being able to tell you the smallest things that happened during my day I miss knowing that somewhere in the middle of everything there was someone I could always come back to. I miss the comfort of you. I miss the stupid conversations the random updates the little things that probably meant nothing to anyone else but somehow home and everything to me I miss having a person I called mine and most of all I miss you. I know wanting you back doesn’t mean I can simply have you back I know missing you doesn’t undo everything that happened. I know what I want. Doesn’t auto automatically change how you feel but being away from you made one thing painfully clear. I don’t want this version of my life. I don’t want to pretend that I’m happy just because I’m learning how to function without you. I don’t want to call this piece when all it feels like is an empty room. I’ve slowly learned how to sit in maybe that’s what these last few days are supposed to teach me now how to forget you I deeply you were woven into my life. I thought I was trying to detach from you, but somewhere in the silence I realized I wasn’t looking for a life without you. I was only trying to convince myself that I could survive one and I can. That’s the part that hurts I can survive without you. I can get through my days I can put my phone down. I can stop checking. I can go places and talk to people and pretend everything is normal but surviving isn’t the same as wanting this and if I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t wanna keep getting better at life that doesn’t have you in it. I want my baby back now because I think I’m entitled to you now because I want to erase everything that happened to pretend none of this mattered I know it does and I know that love alone can’t undo that but somewhere underneath all this distance in silence and pretending that I’m OK there’s still this one too. I can’t seem to bury. I still want you.
