Feeling after feeling after feeling won’t leave me alone, thought after thought after thought got me sick to the bone. I try to fight back but I don’t even know how, something’s been eating at me and it’s consuming me now. Death ain’t never been a stranger to me, watched everybody I loved get ripped away from me. But now I love more people
and that terrifies me the most, cause I keep feeling that old feeling….who’s about to go? I know how that sounds, trust me I do, but when you watched it happen over and over you know when it’s true. I wake up in the morning and the grief hits like ice…bodies on tables, voices I’ll never hear again, laughs I’ll never get back, and all I can do is carry them cause I don’t know how to act. They were just here. Now they are just gone. And I’m still standing here trying to be strong for everyone around me while I’m falling apart, got a graveyard of memories living inside my heart.
Then I look at her and everything gets complicated, cause she’s the one I chose when my walls were the most guarded. I let her in past everything, past the pain and the pride, past the version of me I show the rest of the world outside. I want to make her my wife. I mean that from the deepest part of me. But right now it feels like two people living in a house that ain’t quite a home yet..same walls, same roof, but something’s missing in between, like we’re speaking the same language but not saying the same things. I want our hearts to align. I want us to get there. But love with fear is just two people pretending not to be scared. So tell me baby, what’s really going on? Tell me fam, what’s really going on? Cause I’m tired of being the person who holds it all in until I’m completely gone.
Today is Father’s Day. And I can barely breathe. Got a hole carved in my chest that nothing can reach. I want my dad. Those four words been living in my throat since before I knew what loss was, since before I understood that some people leave before you even get to need them. I never felt his hands on my shoulders telling me it’s gonna be alright. Never heard his voice cut through the dark on my worst nights. Never smelled him walk into a room but I know I would know it..the way you know home before you even see it. Never looked him in the eyes but when I look in the mirror I see the outline of a man I was supposed to know, pieces of someone who was supposed to watch me grow. I needed you to teach me things nobody else could show. How to love a woman right. How to lead. How to know when to hold on and when to let go. Instead I got silence where your voice was supposed to be. A you shaped emptiness that grew up right alongside me. Today I’m grieving something I never even got to hold. That’s the wound nobody warns you about….missing someone your hands never got to know.
