Boy, you're a mess

Oh boy, look at you, standing in the rain,

Holding that boombox, calling my name.

(Aww, how cute… NOT!)

You’re soaking wet, but guess what, babe?

This ain’t a movie, and I ain’t amazed.

You wrote me a poem, but it didn’t even rhyme,

Said you’d change, but I ain’t got the time.

(Yeah, sure, I believe you... like I did last time!)

You’re texting my mom, you’re calling my friends,

Boy, this ain't love, this is secondhand cringe.

Oh, boy, you’re a mess, it’s kinda sad,

Begging like that—man, it’s real bad.

(Seriously? Have some dignity!)

Said you’d never let me go, now look at you,

Crying in a Taco Bell drive-thru.

(Hope they gave you extra napkins for those TEARS!)

Oh, boy, take a hint, move along,

You lost me, but hey—thanks for the song!

(At least you’re good for something!)

You showed up at work with flowers and tears,

Security said, “Dude, not this year.”

(LOL, even they’re tired of your nonsense!)

You’re writing my name on your car with spray paint,

But you spelled it wrong—boy, that ain’t fate.

(Oh my God, you’re embarrassing.)

I changed my number, you borrowed my cat,

Said it missed me—boy, give it back.

(Fluffy doesn’t even LIKE you!)

You’re posting sad quotes, pretending you’re deep,

But Shakespeare don’t care, just get some sleep.

(Yeah, maybe stop crying and try therapy?)

Oh, boy, you’re a mess, it’s kinda sad,

Begging like that—man, it’s real bad.

(A grown man sobbing on my voicemail? YIKES.)

Said you’d never let me go, now look at you,

Crying in a Taco Bell drive-thru.

(Extra cheese for your extra pathetic life!)

Oh, boy, take a hint, move along,

You lost me, but hey—thanks for the song!

(Maybe try writing a better one, though?)

You said you can’t live without me, that’s dramatic,

Go touch some grass, boy, it’s not that tragic.

(Seriously, breathe some fresh air. It's not 2012 Tumblr.)

I blocked you once, I’ll block you twice,

Keep this up, and I might be nice…

(LOL, just kidding. I won’t.)

So pack up your mixtapes, take back your ring,

Your love was a joke, but at least it still stings.

(For YOU. I’m just fine.)

Oh, boy, you’re a mess, but life will go on,

And who knows? Maybe I’ll date your best friend, John.

(Oh, wait… I already did.) [laughs]