it hit like a desert storm
like a Midsummer monsoon
everything was a flash flood
Everything happened so sudden so soon
I tried to run away
catch my breath
but I couldnt leave fast enough
my feet were heavy
trying to outrun
the wreckage
Of damage already done
but every step I took
I slipped back five
with every memory I shook
every mountain I climbed
I fell down a Canyon
no safe place to hide from the haunting memories
no peace to be found from
The terrifying truth
Theres nowhere for me to hide
from the things I thought I had forgotten
the things Id pushed so far back into my mind
what I thought I had gotten over
came out of the sweet bliss of denial
echoes being recalled
followed by falls
forced to confront my fears
to wrap the bloody wounds
trying to breathe through all the strain
but only suffocating under the weight of all the pain
pain that was always there
just suppressed by my own silence
The pain of buried memories resurfacing
I guess when I was told that life wasnt easy I wasnt expecting it to hurt this much
I wasnt expecting so much to happen so soon
I wasnt expecting it to be this hard
I know life isn’t fair
but does that mean it has to be cruel
I feel like Im breaking more every day
Like my heart has been so hurt it’ll never love the same way again
I’ll never trust the same way again
I’ll never look at the world the same way again
everything has changed forever
what is the truth behind this thing we call life if it is enveloped in hurting
what is the reason for our breathing
if we just barely survive
what is the purpose for everything
never told it would be easy
never told it would shatter me
I’m wondering and wandering aimlessly
on the inside is war
I fake
I smile and pretend to be happy on my own behalf
laugh the laugh
talk the talk
but inside Im screaming and crying out for help
inside is war
My voice is muted
my glass house all of a sudden shattered and broken
I’m bleeding but silently
every cry cuts
Every breath burns
Afraid to say how I really feel
confused by my own emotions that I try to conceal
tired of pretending
Tired of all the avoiding
The truth must out
I can no longer trick myself to stay in denial
I never expected this
I never wanted this
I never asked for this
It’s like I was struck with lightning
the electric shock will always stay with me
and I want to avoid the wounds
they hurt so bad but the pain will never go away
they will only blister and burn
forever
without the proper healing
I told myself it wasn’t that bad
I told myself it wasn’t what it was
But I won’t lie to myself anymore
But Im so afraid that healing will come it’s another fall
told Im brave in full of courage
Told Im strong
But all I was doing all along
Was simply surviving
it hurts to touch the wounds
and I know the scars will never go away
This is what I have to do
This is what I need to do
I can’t live a life where every step I take a fall
I can’t do this anymore
I have to move forward now
I have to
TJ____
