Honey, How Do You Do It?

I don't know what she was worried about,

After all, I'm a full-grown man.

How hard could food and laundry be?

I had a foolproof master plan.

The house would sparkle, the dogs'd behave,

I'd have everything under control.

She kissed me goodbye and waved from the drive,

I puffed up my chest and said, "Watch me roll."

Honey, how do you do it?

How do you keep it all straight?

The bills and the dishes and walkin' the dogs,

Rememberin' every little date.

I thought it'd be easy till you drove away,

Now I'm beggin' for mercy tonight.

Honey, how do you do it?

You're makin' it look way too light.

Day one my confidence was supreme,

I said, "There ain't nothin' to it."

A few mistakes sure, but the cat will dry,

And a little burnt soup, we'll get through it.

After the smoke cleared from the kitchen war,

And the fire alarm quit its scream,

I opened the windows and laughed to myself,

Thinkin' things weren't as bad as they seemed.

Honey, how do you do it?

How do you keep it all straight?

The groceries vanish, the trash fills up,

And somehow I'm always runnin' late.

I thought it'd be easy till you drove away,

Now I'm losin' every fight.

Honey, how do you do it?

You're makin' it look way too light.

Day two, where'd I put the vacuum cleaner?

How do you lose somethin' that big?

The dogs got fed... eventually...

Though they acted like I pulled a trick.

Now they're sprawled on the couch they're not supposed to use,

Staring holes right through my soul.

I swear those mutts are enjoying this,

Like revenge is their ultimate goal.

Day three, when are you getting home?

This whole operation's gone wrong.

We've had takeout pizza three nights in a row,

And the laundry's been breeding all along.

I set the stove on fire, blew a fuse somehow,

Just trying to heat up a snack.

And all my underwear's pink 'cause my favorite red shirt

Attacked every load in the stack.

This kind of complicated needs a manual,

Or maybe a team and a crew.

How do you keep all this in your head?

'Cause I'm completely baffled by you.

I hope you're safe and having some fun,

And I miss you more than I've let on.

But I ain't gonna tell you how bad it got,

At least not till you're safely home.

Honey, how do you do it?

How do you keep it all straight?

The house is still standing, that's all I can say,

Though it's hanging by a thread of fate.

I'm bribing the kids with ice cream and cake,

To keep all my secrets airtight.

Honey, how do you do it?

I'll never complain again in my life.

So if you come home and everything looks fine,

Don't ask too many questions, dear.

Just know that I love you an awful lot...

And the cat's eyebrows should grow back by next year.