I guess it must look so many different ways that invoke so much fearful anxiety, It took me this long sitting wondering how you could ever truly leave I painted so much anger and hurt lost not understanding yes I know mistakes were made but it's my blindness due to the different way I walk through life. I'm not a normal human being thats not ego it's stopping humble facing truth that helps me see why life took you from me what caused the one I gave my soul the one I showed my true self with all my flaws and weirdness on display. I guess even though I loved studying you I made such a mistake I looked at you through eyes of mine sadly you exist in your own internal reality and that explains so much. it changes what I see. from my vantage point I knew I was in control and simply needed your trust. but how could you. when I was walking into darkness going underwater. I forgot you think I'm normal it's all you know. you arent used to someone able to transmute suffering into happiness and be grateful for hell not running to the exit but slowly looking around demons all around me. I don't expect you to understand I never went where god stopped being here beside me. if you had divine protection and followed christ way so intently you genuinely achieved what he had desired humanity to find in his footsteps little gifts he dropped along the way. do you know what it's like having god give me armor in the form of agape love, how it Silences internal shadow poisoning most minds, how it takes away need for what millions beg to satisfy a deep inner desperation to be loved and seen and appreciated and wanted and liked....god teaches how to remove those and also if not able how to both use his love to fill that thirst losing need for human help, and weakness it causes blinding the mind like a fog you never notice, so focused on the hole nobody fills. for you I tried to teach you since I noticed you starving. I thought how happy you would be if I just gave you what you wanted....a love that took the desperate starvation away. but then if I died and I knew I could. who else would ever save you. man after man till your heart dies seeking love not meant to heal that way. I filled my hole and am now immune forever protected loved and safe...I wanted you to attain this so I knew my best friend and lover would be OK if life cruelly took me away. you have no idea the hundreds of things just like that I've gathered. or how that doesnt mean I become unable to fail and fall and be human just like you and everyone else. it simply means I have more tools gifted by God's guidance to work with. you see the problems and limits in me so easily but if only you saw the incredible things it's all given me as well. invisible to most without proper sight aligned. difficult for those on this path to describe due to needing to point at what what I need to point at to point at what I need you to see points at one veil obscuring the path my eyes opened to see your blind deaf mute now what
