When death becomes normal

WHEN DEATH BECOMES NORMAL

I used to break when the phone rang late

Hold my breath and bargain with fate

Every goodbye would tear me apart

Another name carved into my heart

I used to scream

I used to cry

I used to need something

Just to get through the night

But somewhere between the flowers and graves

I learned how a person survives this way

I don’t reach for something

To make it disappear

There’s nothing left to silence

When numb is all that’s here

When death becomes normal

You stop asking why

You learn how to make coffee

While somebody you love dies

You learn which clothes look right

Standing next to a grave

And everybody calls you strong

When you’ve just learned how to behave

When death becomes normal

You don’t have to kill the pain

You don’t have to numb what you can’t feel

When numbness knows your name

You stop flinching when the phone rings late

It’s just another fucking day

When death becomes normal

And goodbye becomes your way

I know the smell of hospital halls

The quiet before somebody falls

I know condolences people rehearse

How “I’m sorry” somehow makes it worse

I know the flowers

I know the chairs

I know that empty look

When somebody’s no longer there

And somewhere along the way

The impossible became routine

Tell me, what does that say about me?

I don’t need the bottle

Don’t need anything at all

There’s nothing left to silence

When you’ve already felt it all

When death becomes normal

You stop asking why

You learn the language of goodbye

And count who’s still alive

You learn how to stand beside a coffin

Like you’ve done it all your life

And everybody calls it courage

When you’re only trying to survive

When death becomes normal

You don’t have to kill the pain

You don’t have to numb what you can’t feel

When numbness knows your name

But maybe surviving isn’t healing

Maybe numb just got me through

Maybe feeling something hurts like hell

But at least it means I’m here too

Maybe I don’t want this normal

Maybe I’m allowed to feel

Maybe every tear I thought had vanished

Is proof there’s something left to heal

When death becomes normal

I still want to ask why

I still want the phone to ring

Without wondering who died

I want to wear black because I like it

Not because there’s another grave

I’m tired of being called so strong

For simply learning how to stay

When death becomes normal

Maybe feeling is the fight

So let it hurt

Let me scream

Let me know I’m still alive

I don’t want numb to be my normal

I don’t want goodbye to be my way

I’ve lived enough with death.

I choose to feel today.