If I was better

Sitting by the water, I look at you and stare. Memorising your body, every muscle, every hair. You turn to me and smile, my heart gets heavy and sinks, it’s only a matter of time you will disappear just like the rest.

Your blue eyes will harden and loose their glow, your smile will purse into a frown, I’ve done it again, the looser, the abuser and the clown.

I wore you down repeatedly, gave you nothing in return. With that thought you turned your head not a second of concern. 

I’m sorry my king I tried to cry, but it couldn’t get past my lips, instead evil words seeped out, so dark, vicious and hateful, I will never be able to forget them no matter how I try.

I’ve lost my king, my love, my rock, there’s no doubt about it I can’t turn back the clock. 

The pattern starts returning, the story of my life, I start to believe I’m not supposed be a lover, girlfriend or wife. 

I never meant to hurt this one, that burden I will bare, never again will I invest myself, open my heart or let myself care.

I’m sitting by the water, you start to move away, there is a big dark cloud coming toward me and it’s setting over the bay. 

Exhaustion taking over you, you fall upon your knees, you placed your hands on your head, you can barely breathe.

Useless me I can’t even rescue you, there is too much between us. I should never had touched you, or let you in or ever asked to stay. 

I scream out silently and beg into the sky, “save this man, I’m sorry lord, I promise I won’t cry”

The sky responds with silence louder than any words it grabs my heart and pierces it, my pain can not be seen.

I love you my friend, I whisper at you, I’m so sorry for the damage that is done, I’ve worn you down, questioned your love because you weren’t around. I needed you to love me, too much for you to do, especially after my actions, I never showed the same to you.

It wasn’t my intention, my words I couldn’t help, I never meant to hurt you, just to share the pain I felt. I don’t understand why I do it, I just know now you’re gone, my heart has lost its song. 

I should have kissed you longer, and held on to you tight, I should have bit my tongue off, and left you to your life. Instead I did the opposite and ruined your god damn life!

I can’t take it back and I can’t make it right, please know I did try with all my might. Getting better hasn’t helped, I will always be the same, and I know I can’t keep asking you to play this stupid game.

So as you turn and walk away, please take this with you every day,

it wasn’t your fault, I’m to blame I am this way, I can’t get it to change.

I will forever thank you for trying to live this way. 

I’m proud of you for what you did, looking after me and my stupid head.

You’ve been a safe space for a lifetime to me, and now it’s time you got to be free. 

No more stress and a crazy life, no more having to sacrifice. 

I’ll miss you dearly and you will always be, my guardian angel who rescued me, everyday, you saved me, everyday..