The Life I Miss

I was mad in love, I thought I had it all. Held the key to my world, thought I’d never fall. I gave you my heart, gave you everything. I never thought I’d lose it or end up this sad. You gave me something I never had, you gave me a voice. You made me believe in myself, made me believe I had a choice. I rolled the dice and took the chance, thought maybe we’d beat the odds, thought maybe we’d have forever. But I lost my everything for nothing, lost my lover to another man. A minute went by, then an hour, a day, a week, a month, and then even more, yet every waking moment has been spent missing you. My heart aches for you, my fears turn into tears. The pain train keeps hammering me, trying to break me. I keep smiling, pretending I’m okay, but I just need someone there. I need a hug, someone to say “I’ve got you.” Yet the only thing I fall into is my own thoughts, seeing where, when, and how I hurt you. I hurt those I loved because I didn’t grow or hold true to my word. I felt like the world could never stop me. Now it feels like it’s fleeting, leaving my grasp. I fear what I’ll become because of what I HAD. I tried to get on a train to run from the pain, but all I did was earn disdain. My mind is a crazy bind, wrecking itself trying to find where I could’ve made up the time. But damn this hurts more than any wreck. This time I lost something I never wanted to lose. I lost you. I lost us. I lost all the in between. I miss you and us, the love and the lust, but now it’s all fading and crumbling to dust. You’ve moved on and loved someone new. I’m sorry I broke your heart more times than I care to count. I was supposed to be the one you could fall onto, and instead was the reason you fell. If I could go back, I’d stop myself. I’d tell myself to grow, to learn, to not take it for granted. I’d save you the grief and pain. I’d show you the man you needed. Maybe then we’d still be smiling. At least one of us is smiling, but I know it ain’t me. I’m making it by, trying not to cry. I don’t know how you moved on, or how to wake up and not think of you. The world kept moving without asking if I was ready. I’m sorry. I hope you know that. I was supposed to be the one you could fall onto. Instead, I was the reason you fell. I think I’ve had enough of that train for now. The dice are rolled. The cards are dealt. I can’t change what happened. All I can do is try to become the man I should’ve been back then. Not because it’ll bring you back, but because maybe I can make sure I never put somebody through this again. I hope you get whatever you need. I hope this isn’t goodbye, just the end of a chapter. Because I still miss you. I still miss us. I still miss the love, the feeling, and all the in between but maybe loving you doesn’t mean holding onto you forever. Maybe loving someone means letting them find the happiness you couldn’t give them. You get your happy ending. That’s enough for me. Maybe someday I’ll get mine too