The Man You Needed

I was mad in love, I thought I had it all. Held the key to my world, thought I’d never fall. I gave you my heart, gave you everything I had. You gave me something I never had, you gave me a voice. You made me believe in myself, made me believe I had a choice. I was mad in love, and maybe that’s what made it hurt, because when you love somebody that much, losing them feels like losing part of yourself first. I put my heart on the line, rolled the dice and took the chance. Thought maybe we’d beat the odds, thought maybe we’d have forever. But I lost my everything for nothing, lost my lover to another man. A minute went by, then an hour, a day, a week, a month, and then even more, yet every waking moment has been spent missing you. My heart aches for a person who can’t be mine, my fears keep turning into tears. My emotions keep hitting me like waves outta the oceans. The pain train keeps hammering me, trying to make me bend and break. I keep smiling, pretending I’m okay, but I need someone to say “I’ve got you,” someone to fall into. Yet the only thing I fall into is my own thoughts, seeing where, when, and how I hurt you. I’m fearing what I’ll become because of what I HAD and not what I have. The abuse feels less like a noose, at least I knew what to expect. But damn, this hurts more than any wreck. This time I lost something I never wanted to lose. I lost you. I lost us. I lost all the in between. I miss you and us, the love and the lust, but now it’s all fading and crumbling to dust. You’ve moved on and loved someone new. I’m sorry I broke your heart more times than I care to count. I was supposed to be the one you could fall onto, and instead was the reason you fell. If I could go back, I’d stop myself. I’d tell myself to grow, to finally learn, to not take it for granted. I’d save you the grief, the pain, and all the emotion. I’d show you the man you needed. For now, at least one of us is smiling, but I know it ain’t me. I don’t know how you moved on, found someone new, or how I’m supposed to wake up and not think of you. Somehow the world kept moving without asking me if I was ready. I was supposed to be the one you could fall onto. Instead, I was the reason you fell. I don’t know how to forgive myself for that. I think I’ve had enough of that train for now. The train doesn’t go backward. The dice have been rolled. The cards have been dealt. I can’t change what happened. All I can do is become the man I should’ve been back then. Not because it’ll bring you back, but because maybe I can make sure I never put somebody through this again. I hope you get whatever it is you need. I hope this isn’t goodbye, just the end of a chapter neither of us saw. Because I still miss you. I still miss us. I still miss the view, the love, the lust, and all the in between. But maybe loving you doesn’t mean holding onto you forever. Loving someone means letting them find the happiness, even without you. You still get your happy ending, That’s enough for me