Untitled

The darkness I seekis not the absence within,
not a hollow I can excavatefrom the very core of myself.

It’s an outside,
a landscape beyond the edges of my skin,
a shadow that fallsfrom a sun I cannot see.
This side, that side,
a spectrum of hue
Ican only hold ontoin the flicker of a memory,
a whispered promise.

Can you see it,
that part of methat holds all of it,
the vastness, the everything?

The trembling in my two down right limbs,
a duet of fear and anticipation.
My feelings,
a chorus of whispers and shouts,
can I truly feel them,
feel them all, without flinching?

My belonging,
shattering like glassunder a careless foot.
Can I piece it back together,
or is the breakage itselfthe true form?

This skeptic facade,
a shield polished brightto reflect back nothing of the inner storm.
The part of me that encompasses everything,
no, you will not find itby chasing the echo of me.

You will not find mepursuing us,
trying to cling to that fixationof theselifeless me delays.

The moments stretched thin,
the waiting that saps the color,
the breath held too long.
This is not the darkness I desire.

Iwant the deep, unfathomable night,
the kind that swallows stars whole,
the kind that births new constellationsfrom its silent womb.

Not the self-made gloom,
the carefully curated shadowsthat dance at the edges of my vision,
but a grander void,
a canvas unpainted,
where possibility, unburdened by what is,
can begin its wild, untamed genesis.

This ache, this yearning,
is for that expansive dark,
not the constricted corners of my own making.
Adarkness that doesn't accuse,
but simply is.
Adarkness where the self dissolves,
not into nothingness,
but into everything else.

The trembling will subside,
the shattering will become a new mosaic,
the facade will melt,
and in that true, encompassing dark,
perhaps I will finally findwhat I have been looking for,
outside of myself,
and yet, intrinsically,
still a part of me.

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