Verse 1 — The “Adventure” Guy (a Cow in Hiking Boots)
I matched with a guy who “loves to explore,”
His bio said “hiking” and “not looking for a chore.”
He sent me a photo from a mountain top,
But he can’t even walk to the local coffee shop.
He’s got a hiking boot here and a GoPro there,
But he’s grazing on his couch like a cow in despair.
Chorus
Old McDonald had an app — E‑I‑E‑I‑No.
And on that app, he had a Ghost,
With a “seen” message here and a “blocked” there,
Everywhere a “hey,” nowhere a prayer.
Old McDonald had an app — I’m ready to let it go.
Verse 2 — The “Crypto/Business” Guy (a Rooster Who Thinks He’s CEO)
Then came the mogul with the rented car,
Who “Clear‑Coded” his way to the nearest bar.
He talked about Bitcoin and “passive gain,”
While I looked for the exit to escape my pain.
He’s got a hustle here and a “grindset” there,
Just a rooster crowing loud about thin, thin air.
Old McDonald had an app — E‑I‑E‑I‑No.
A
Verse 3 — The “Group Photo” Guy (a Herd of Sheep)
I found a guy who looked like a ten,
But he was standing in a line with nine other men.
Which one is he? The one in the hat?
Or the one in the back who’s holding a cat?
He’s got a bestie here and a brother there,
It’s a flock of sheep — I’m dating the whole damn herd, I swear.
Bridge — The “AI” Guy (a Deepfake Goat)
Now the AI writes his bio and edits his face,
It’s “Vibe‑Coding” him into a digital space.
He sends a voice note that sounds like a bot,
Saying, “You’re the angel that my nightmare forgot.”
With a “deepfake” here and a “filter” there,
Is there a real human anywhere?
Or just a goat with Wi‑Fi and too much time to spare?
Final Chorus
Old McDonald had an app — E‑I‑E‑I‑No.
With a red flag here and a catfish there,
Everywhere a swipe, a total nightmare.
My battery is dead and my standards are low,
Old McDonald had an app — E‑I‑E‑I‑No.
Here’s the attitude‑boosted, zero‑patience, I‑choose‑dogs‑over‑men‑forever version of your outro.
Same rhythm, same sarcasm — just way more bite. “Because Dogs Are Better Than People”
I deleted the app, tossed my phone on the floor,
Said, “If I swipe one more clown, I’m declaring the dating scene a war.”
Drove to the shelter like a woman on a mission,
Because honestly? Men are a hobby — dogs are a lifestyle decision.
Found a puppy with big eyes and a tail that wouldn’t quit,
Didn’t brag, didn’t lie, didn’t send a single unsolicited pic.
He’s got a tail wag here and a cuddle there,
Actual loyalty — not that “situationship” air.
He doesn’t ghost, doesn’t flex, doesn’t call me “babe” on day one,
Doesn’t talk about crypto, or “grinding,” or “manifesting income.”
He just sits, loves, listens, and exists —
Which already puts him leagues above 90% of the men on my list.
Old McDonald had an app — but I’m done with that show.
I’ve got a puppy now, and let’s be real:
Dogs are better than people.
E‑I‑E‑I‑you already know.
