Calm When I Break

Calm…

Yeah, that’s what they think I am.

But the quiet’s just the part before the damage hits the fan.

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Calm —

I’m hiding every thought,

Choosing not to talk,

Silent phase is just a mask

To keep them off the spots I rot.

Acting plain enough to pass,

Bury panic under glass,

Make them think I’m doing fine

While something inside starts breaking fast.

Somebody’s pushing,

Every button bruising,

Blood in my veins is pulsing,

Something changing, something moving —

My eyes start erupting,

Trying not to react,

Trying to shove it under the hatch,

Lock the door, bolt it shut —

But the hinges never hold when you snap.

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Snap —

Knocking everyone flat,

Mind goes red, I go black.

Words don’t settle anything now,

Every voice is too damn loud.

I try to pull myself back,

Drag myself out of the black,

But nothing escapes this place

Once the cracks begin to spread.

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Then all of a sudden I’m calm —

Calm like a storm before the bomb.

I’ve been here before,

Never let the anger take the floor,

But I feel the gasoline in the air —

And I’m holding the match.

Yeah, all of a sudden I’m calm —

But calm don’t mean I won’t go off.

Everyone’s breathing gas,

I’m flicking sparks that catch.

And the moment I finally break,

I’m calm…

But never safe.

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I’m sick of being toxic —

Sick of hurting you, I know it.

Nauseous, drowning in my habits,

And I swear I never chose it.

I push away when you get close,

Make you hate me, it’s my ghost.

Try to love you through the static,

But my damage shows the most.

Angel numbers on your skin —

Punishment for all my sins.

You were heaven walking in,

I was hell beneath my grin.

And karma’s on my back,

Yeah, karma never misses.

You tried to love me whole,

But I break everything I’m given.

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Somebody’s pushing,

All of my buttons keep crushing.

My blood in a riot is rushing —

Too late to change.

My eyes have erupted,

Masks I wore corrupted.

Told myself I’d fix it —

But I’m tired of lying to your face.

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Then all of a sudden I’m calm —

Calm like I’m watching from afar.

You think I’m healing when I pause,

But really I’m reloading all my flaws.

Everyone’s breathing gas,

And I’m playing with the match.

Trying to be better never lasts —

I break,

I burn,

I crash.

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I’m sick of being sick and tired,

Promising change I never fire.

Every version of me feels wired

To self-destruct on sight.

If I could tear out the part that ruins,

I’d carve it out without refusing.

But all I know is losing —

And calling it love at night.

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Then all of a sudden I’m calm —

Too quiet, too gone.

You ask if I’m okay,

I just carry on.