I'm Doomed To Be) Almost

(Verse 1)

I woke up this morning, and the sky was gray

(Just like the last three hundred-thousand days)

I saw a black cat walk under a ladder

While holding a mirror that it dropped and shattered.

I tried to make some toast, but the toaster smoked

I grabbed the milk and found that it had choked

It’s not just bad luck, it’s not a phase, you see

I've got a supernatural tendency... to fail.

(Pre-Chorus)

The fog is rolling in around my Xbox

(A spooky voice says, "You still play on that box?")

I think I saw a vulture sitting on my car

This day is over 'fore it even starts.

(Chorus)

I’ve got a bad, bad feeling!

(It's a psychic premonition!)

That I’m always gonna be in this position.

I almost got the girl, I almost made the team

I almost woke up, but it wasn't a dream.

I’m stuck in second place, I'm just participation!

It’s a swamp-rock, spooky, bad vibration!

I’ve got a premonition that I'm doomed to be

Just "Almost Me."

(Verse 2)

I almost learned the riff to "Enter Sandman"

(My fingers cramped and I dropped the guitar stand)

I tried to ask out Sarah from the coffee shop

She said, "I'd rather date a cyclops." (Ouch.)

I bought a lottery ticket, I only missed one number

(The grand prize was a billion, I won a cucumber... coupon.)

It's like a delta bluesman put a curse on me

That I'd be "kinda cool" but only ironically.

(Pre-Chorus)

There’s a weird wind blowing through my room

(It whispers, "You're the guy who peaked in homeroom!")

I see the future, and it’s crystal clear

It looks a lot like my disastrous senior year.

(Chorus)

I’ve got a bad, bad feeling!

(It's a psychic premonition!)

That I’m always gonna be in this position.

I almost got the girl, I almost made the team

I almost woke up, but it wasn't a dream.

I’m stuck in second place, I'm just participation!

It’s a swamp-rock, spooky, bad vibration!

I’ve got a premonition that I'm doomed to be

Just "Almost Me."

(Bridge)

(Music slows down, palm-muted, chugging chords)

I almost made it big with my high school band

But our drummer quit to be a traffic cone... in Japan.

(Don't ask.)

I almost beat that level on the NES

But the power died right when I almost beat the boss.

(I swear I had him!)

I can see it all, my life is on repeat

A future full of glorious "almost" defeat!

(Guitar Solo - Fast, melodic, slightly sloppy pop-punk)

(Chorus)

I’ve got a bad, bad feeling!

(It's a psychic premonition!)

That I’m always gonna be in this position.

I almost got the girl, I almost made the team

I almost woke up, but it wasn't a dream.

I’m stuck in second place, I'm just participation!

It’s a swamp-rock, spooky, bad vibration!

I’ve got a premonition that I'm doomed to be

Just "Almost Me."

(Outro)

Yeah, "Almost Me!"

(I almost finished this song...)

(Big crashing chord)