[Verse 1]
The first time that I saw you
The whole room disappeared
I felt a little something
I hadn’t felt in years
Then you smiled across the table
And my heart began to sink
You had spinach in your teeth
And, baby, your feet stink
[Pre-Chorus]
They say that love is blind
And now I know it’s true
Because nobody with functioning eyes
Would ever fall for you
[Chorus]
You’re ugly and your feet stink
Your breath could strip the paint
You think you’re heaven-sent, my love
But heaven says you ain’t
You’re everything I never dreamed
And nothing I would choose
You’re still the one for someone else
But, baby, I refuse
[Verse 2]
You chew with your mouth open
You snore like heavy freight
You tell the same old stories
And somehow make them take
Forty-seven minutes
When they should have taken three
And every time you say, “Long story short”
I die internally
[Pre-Chorus]
They say there’s someone for everyone
And maybe that is true
There’s eight billion people on this earth
Go bother one of them, not me
[Chorus]
You’re ugly and your feet stink
Your breath could strip the paint
You think you’re heaven-sent, my love
But heaven says you ain’t
You’re everything I never dreamed
And nothing I would choose
You’re still the one for someone else
But, baby, I refuse
[Bridge — increasingly dramatic]
Maybe somewhere there’s an angel
Who’ll adore the things you do
Someone who won’t mind your toenails
Or the way you loudly chew
Someone who’ll say, “you sure are smart!”
Someone who’ll laugh at every joke
Someone who can stand beside you
When you clear a room with one small fart
[Quiet Chorus — piano only]
You’re ugly and your feet stink
Your breath could strip the paint
You think you’re heaven-sent, my love
But heaven says you ain’t…
[FINAL CHORUS — huge key change]
YOU’RE UGLY AND YOUR FEET STINK!
YOUR BREATH COULD STRIP THE PAINT!
YOU THINK YOU’RE HEAVEN-SENT, MY LOVE
BUT HEAVEN SAYS YOU AIN’T!
You’re everything I never dreamed
And nothing I would choose
You’re still the one for someone else…
But, baby, I refuuuuuuuse!
[Outro — tenderly]
Yes, you’re still the one…
For someone else.
(soft piano)
Seriously.
Someone else.