Untitled

I’m sitting on the floor of the shower again

Tracing the tiles and counting to ten

My phone’s in the kitchen, face down on the wood

I’d block you forever if I actually could

But I’m addicted to the highs and the lows of the mess

Even though my ribcage is tight with the stress

I know you’re a cycle, I know you’re a ghost

But you’re the part of my life that I’m missing the most.

So I’m signing a contract with the person I’ll be

To unlock the chains and to set myself free

It’s a battle of wills, it’s a war in my chest

Knowing you’re gone is for the actual best

But my heart is a traitor, it’s calling your name

While I’m trying to blow out the last of the flame

I promise to heal, I promise to grow

But God, it’s so heavy, just letting you go.

I wrote down the reasons we didn’t quite work

How you’d go quiet and how you would smirk

I read them like scripture when I start to feel weak

When I’m looking for comfort I shouldn’t go seek

The depression is whispering that I’m better off hurt

Than being alone and face-down in the dirt

But I’m taking the shovel and I’m digging a path

Away from the chaos and away from the wrath.

It’s not gonna happen in a week or a month

I’ll stumble and fall, I’ll take every brunt

But the version of me that is happy and whole

Is waiting for me to take back my soul

I’m worth more than "almost," I’m worth more than "wait"

I’m closing the door and I’m locking the gate.

(Spoken/Whispered)

I’m staying.

I’m breathing.

I’m finally…

Leaving.