(Verse 1)
It's three in the morning, the room is warm and deep,
I've finally found that perfect kind of sleep,
Then my bladder starts a-knockin', my colon joins the band,
And suddenly I've got an emergency at hand.
(Pre-Chorus)
I try to ignore it, I bargain and I plead,
"Maybe it'll go away if I just don't leave the sheets."
(Chorus)
But I've gotta fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
At three in the goddamn morning, why me?
I'm stumbling through the darkness like a zombie in despair,
With one eye barely open and my underwear askew somewhere.
I've gotta fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
This ain't the life that I imagined it'd be,
I was dreaming of paradise, now I'm on toilet number three,
At three in the fucking morning for a poo and a pee.
(Verse 2)
The bathroom light's a weapon, burns directly through my soul,
I sit upon the porcelain and question every goal,
The dog is looking judgmental, the cat thinks I'm insane,
And somehow now I'm fully awake using half my brain.
(Pre-Chorus)
I finish up my business and crawl back to my bed,
But now my brain decides it's time for every thought I've ever had.
(Chorus)
'Cause I had to fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
At three in the goddamn morning, why me?
Now I'm thinking 'bout that awkward thing I said in 2013,
When all I wanted was unconsciousness and sweet REM to see.
I had to fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
A biological betrayal of the highest degree,
I was sleeping like a champion, now I'm wide awake and free,
At three in the fucking morning for a poo and a pee.
(Bridge)
Curse you, late-night water.
Curse you, spicy curry too.
Curse the human body's need
To process what goes through.
(Final Chorus)
I've gotta fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
At three in the goddamn morning, endlessly,
Tomorrow I'll be tired and complain to everybody,
But tonight I'm just a hostage to my own anatomy.
I've gotta fucking wake for a poo and a pee,
Sing this tragic little anthem along with me,
For every sleepy soul who's sat upon that porcelain sea—
At three in the fucking morning...
For a poo and a pee.