The prodigal

I was a boy who learned to hide my pain before I ever learned how to speak it I was a child searching for love searching for a place to belong searching for somebody who could tell me that I was worth something I learned how to survive before I learned how to surrender I learned how to fight before I learned how to trust I learned how to carry things that were never meant for my shoulders and somewhere along the way I started believing that my wounds were my identity and that my brokenness was all I would ever be But You knew me Jesus You saw me before I could see myself You knew my name before I ever called Yours You saw every tear that nobody saw You knew every secret I carried You knew every place I had been You knew every mistake I would make and still You never walked away You were there when I did not know You You were there when I could not hear You You were there when I was running You were there when I was angry You were there when I was lost You were there when I was searching You were there when I was hurting and You were there when I thought there was no way home I tried to fill the empty places with everything this world could offer I searched for peace in places that could never give me peace I searched for love in places that could never love me I searched for freedom in things that only built stronger chains I thought I was running toward freedom but I was running deeper into bondage I thought I was becoming stronger but I was becoming more afraid I thought I could control my life but my life was slowly controlling me I learned how to hide behind a smile I learned how to say I was fine when I was anything but fine I learned how to keep people from seeing the war inside of me But You saw it all Jesus You saw the boy You saw the man You saw the pain You saw the shame and You never once looked away I put on a uniform and learned what it meant to serve I gave my life to something bigger than myself I served my country I stood beside brothers who became family I worked hard I carried responsibility I gave everything I had and I believed maybe if I worked hard enough I could outrun the things inside of me Maybe if I became strong enough nobody could hurt me Maybe if I became successful enough I could finally feel whole But no uniform could heal my heart No title could remove my shame No accomplishment could silence the voice inside me that told me I was not enough Then came the fire Then came the explosion Then came the moment that changed everything In a single moment the future I thought I understood became a future I could not recognize The propane explosion changed my body changed my career changed my plans and changed the way I saw my life I had served I had sacrificed I had worked I had tried and suddenly I was standing in a place I never expected to be I wondered why You allowed it I wondered what purpose could possibly come from pain I wondered what I was supposed to do when the identity I had built was suddenly broken I thought