This is a song to myself about my journey of truma and road to healing. It all started as a kid i felt very unseen and craved for love and attention or even affection. My parents were great parents but they worked a lot which I understood. So I leaned on my sister a lot she would play with me here and there but I felt like I had to beg. I think she saw me as the annoying little sister. But the memories we made together were the best ones from playing barbies and riding bikes amongst other things. But we are 5 years apart so when she hit the teenage years I felt more alone cause she had other interest. Understandable. So that's where the online chat rooms and online friends became my main interest I would chat for hours at night on a dial up computer to the point I used to get in trouble or told that's enough. But I would sneak on when everyone would be sleeping. It was my escape of all the hurt I was going through. Both of my parents were 100% in my life but there was a void im a daddy's girl so my dad traveled a lot for work so he would be gone weeks sometimes months. So the attention I was missing from not having my dad at home I seekd male attention from boys online as a teenager. Then as a adult I started to date online some good experiences and some really bad experiences that I kept to myself. Then when I turned 19 I got my first real boyfriend that I met online and in person we were together for 3yrs that relationship was good till it wasn't. He cheated and put hands on me and told lies that I cheated on him to my family. Fast forward to my early 20s I got into a serious relationship which I met him online too then in person that relationship was good for the 1st 3yrs then became very toxic. The lies and cheating started very quickly. Then the verbal abuse started with name calling and accusing me of cheating. Then domestic violence started very lightly at 1st with just pushes and heated arguments cause I would confront him about cheating. He would get so angry and hit me only on the body where the bruises can't be seen. Then we broke up for a short amount of time but he made his way back to me and beginning for another chance and knew how to sweet talk me by promising that he will change and at time I was so forgiving cause I thought I was in love and that was love cause he said if he didn't love me he wouldn't get angry and hit me. I was manipulated and love bombed by a narcissist. He put a lot of fear into me that I never confronted him about his continuously cheating even if I had proof. I was so afraid of this guy I put up with a lot and never told a soul. We looked like the perfect couple around family he was very affectionate and protective. But the physical abuse got worse and I had to hide bruises with makeup or say I fell or hurt myself. The day I escaped after 10yrs I ran to the liquor store and asked the guy to hide me. He was aware of the abuse. I'm still healing but I've overcame a lot. I'm blessed to be alive and survived.
