[Verse 1]
I sat on your couch like a crime scene
Lysol-blue tissue box between us
You said, “Take your time”
I said, “I time-travel in shame”
Then I laughed so hard
I scared myself a little
You nodded like that was a fact
On a clipboard in a thunderstorm
I said, “My mind is a group chat”
And you said, “Let’s unpack that”
[Pre-Chorus]
So I named my feelings
Like stray cats
You wrote them down
Then you blinked real slow
I said, “I brought my ruin”
In a tote bag
You said, “We can work with that”
And I said, “Oh no”
[Chorus]
I’m your first-session disaster
(First-session disaster)
I cry, then I start to cackle
(Then I cackle)
You asked for one small truth
I gave you a whole soap opera
First-session disaster
And you’re still trying to stay professional
[Verse 2]
You said, “What triggers this spiral?”
I said, “Brunch and unanswered texts”
Then I fake-calmly sipped my water
Like a woman with a plan
You asked about boundaries
I drew them in glitter
Then immediately crossed them
With both of my hands
I said, “I know CBT”
Then I blamed my ex
For a year and a half
In three perfect sentences
You tried DBT skills
I used one on myself
Then shouted, “Please witness this”
And saluted the ceiling
[Pre-Chorus]
I named my thoughts
“Dramatic”
You said, “Okay”
I said, “That’s generous”
Then I made eye contact
Like a feral raccoon
You stayed so calm
It got even funnier
[Chorus]
I’m your first-session disaster
(First-session disaster)
I cry, then I start to cackle
(Then I cackle)
You asked for one small truth
I gave you a whole soap opera
First-session disaster
And you’re still trying to stay professional
[Bridge]
You said, “Let’s try a skill”
So I held my breath
For exactly one second
Then panicked at my own success
I did “wise mind” in the mirror
On the way out
And my healing looked ridiculous
In a parking lot
[Final Chorus]
I’m your first-session disaster
(First-session disaster)
I overshare, then I crack up
(Then I crack up)
You asked for one small truth
I gave you a whole soap opera
First-session disaster
And now we both need a minute
[Outro]
You said, “See you next week”
I said, “Truly, tragically”
Then laughed all the way
To the front door