Forgiving The Monster

I don’t ask to be forgiven

I just ask to still exist

with the bloodstain on my memory

and her no still on my lips

I replay it in the silence

like a sentence with no end

I was every nightmare breathing

in the body of a friend I don’t get to say “I’m sorry”

like that balances the scale

there are doors I kicked wide open

that I know I can’t un-nail

if there’s any grace for monsters

it’s not mercy, it’s a task

wake up every day and know

what you did, and never mask

I’m not asking You to call me clean

I’m just asking You to keep me mean

mean against the part of me

that ever let that darkness breathe

if forgiving this monster is a crime

then I’ll do the time

I’ll carry what I did like a chain on my spine

I don’t want it wiped, I want it underlined

if there’s any grace left in this life of mine

let it be the strength

to forgive the monster just enough

to make sure he never comes back again

I could drown inside the mirror

till I vanish from the glass

call myself a hundred names

and none of them erase the past

You could throw me in the fire

I would walk there on my own

but the ashes don’t raise babies

and they don’t rebuild a home so instead I’m in the ruins

with the light off, wide awake

every breath a guilty verdict

every step a choice I make

I will nail my hands to better

I will chain my heart to change

if redemption’s even possible

it’s paid in years, not in a phrase

I’m not asking You to call it fair

I’m just begging You to leave me here

here where every day I breathe

I’m the proof of who I swear to be

if forgiving this monster is a crime

then I’ll do the time

I’ll carry what I did like a chain on my spine

I don’t want it wiped, I want it underlined

if there’s any grace left in this life of mine

let it be the strength

to forgive the monster just enough

to make sure he never comes back again

I won’t hide behind the bottle

I won’t blame it on the drink

I remember what they told me

you reveal you when you sink

so I’ll carve it in my conscience

like a warning on the wall

“if you ever feel that hunger

you call someone, you don’t fall” I can’t ask her for redemption

that’s a weight she doesn’t owe

she can hate me till I’m buried

and that’s mercy, I know

so I’ll make this vow in secret

to the sky that watched me slip

I will never be that monster

even if I never get

I can’t forgive the monster for what he did… but I can chain him to the man who never lets him live again.