It's Here Again
D. Marie
May 21, 2013
I am taken by surprise. I didn’t see it coming. The lights are slowly dimming. They will
soon come to an abrupt halt in the purest infinity of darkness.
I lie alone, knowing it’s here again. The wall I can't climb over or turn and run away
from. My attempts to escape its grip are in vain. The darkness is everywhere. Weak
and exhausted, I eventually surrender to the darkness and fall asleep.
Sleep is darker than depression. There are moments of peace there. But soon, I’ll
awake, and the life that once existed in me will have been replaced with hollowness
that consumes me.
My eyes have opened, but I don't dare move. I’m waiting for what's left of my mind to
engage with my body. The anticipation is heavy. Waiting to see if I’ve possibly eluded
this place. I wait for the light. Within seconds I realize that I'm still here and the
darkness is still within me.
Disappointed would be an understatement, and to say that I am scared would offer me
hope, as I wish I could only find scared. Scared is an emotion that is understandable.
This place I am in now is not.
عDmari
Alone? Hah! I laugh in its face. Alone I am not. There is much heaviness all around me. I
can feel the presence of this place, for it is real and very heavy, and I can only wish I
were alone and away from here. This place has no face, and you cannot hear its voice,
but it speaks with grand volume, and it's everywhere. I can feel it, breathe it, smell it,
taste it, and touch it. Not in a way that I have done before, but altered. It's deep within
me and much greater than my physical existence. It's intangible to my mortal being,
but yet I can feel every aspect of its presence, leaving nothing out. It has replaced
even the smallest morsel of light with ultimate darkness that is seen and felt within me.
It cannot look me in the eyes, so it blinds me all the way to my soul with its infinity of
nothing and hides behind this darkness while sucking the life from me.
The daylight has come and is brightly shining on my face, and I expect the sun to feel
warm, but it's not. I attempt to engage with others in that altered state of living. I am
physically present to all eyes that fall upon me, and I am certainly not alone.
I'm full. Full of the darkness that has damned me to this place of hell and surrounded
my world.
Who will win seems to be the ultimate desire of this place. It's challenging me to a
battle that it has strategically planned for my demise by having the upper hand. Its
efforts to keep me within its grip are relentless.
Nothing is what I once remembered, and I question if anything ever once was. All of my
senses are gone. I can touch but cannot feel. I can listen but cannot hear. I am hungry
but cannot eat. I love without emotion, and I am loved, but like the sun, I cannot feel its
warmth.
But alone I am not, for I am surrounded by life in this altered state of existence and
darkness.
I am full. So full that there is no room for my soul to exist here a
