I signed my name on the dotted line,
Thought I’d be a hero saving humankind
Kicking doors and chasing glory,
Now I’m stuck in janitor duty stories
I thought I’d fight on foreign lands,
Rifle steady in my hands,
Instead I’m mopping hallway three,
’Cause Sergeant said it builds “integrity.”
Chorus:
I thought I’d save the world, be brave and bold,
Instead I’m arguing ‘bout forms that ain’t been filed or folded
Sweeping floors till my soul goes numb,
Fighting battles with a broken broom
Low-IQ drama never ends,
Over who ain’t cleaned the microwave again
I joined to be a warrior grand —
Now I’m the janitor of Uncle Sam
Paperwork got red-ink scars,
Three signatures and fourteen bars,
Wrong date written? Do it twice,
Army logic’s real precise
Arguing ‘bout the dumbest stuff,
Like who moved Private Johnson’s cup
Grown men yelling face-to-face,
’Bout missing socks and laundry space
Chorus:
I thought I’d save the world, be brave and bold,
Instead I’m arguing ‘bout forms that ain’t been filed or folded
Sweeping floors till my soul goes numb,
Fighting battles with a broken broom
Low-IQ drama never ends,
Over who ain’t cleaned the microwave again
I joined to be a warrior grand —
Now I’m the janitor of Uncle Sam
My hairline’s marching to the rear,
Retreating faster every year
Got a belly like a loaded pack,
No sit-ups ever bring it back
I lift and run and sweat and strain,
All I do is just gain weight again
Tried to get a date last night,
She said “thanks… but I’m alright.”
Bridge:
Got a high-and-tight that’s hanging low,
Half my hair just AWOL’d though
Thought the uniform looked cool and slick,
Now it just makes me look thick
Final Chorus:
I thought I’d save the world, be strong and tough,
Turns out sweeping floors is hard enough
Paperwork wars and hallway fights,
Living off energy drinks and spite
Hero dreams went down the drain,
Somewhere between the mop and pain
I joined to change the world somehow —
Just trying to survive formation now
BoringPersonATW
