Want to want

Phone face down on the counter

Glass pipe under the sink

Tiny shoes by the front door

I don't know how to think

Name stitched small on a backpack

Crayon suns on the fridge

His laugh still stuck in my eardrums

While I pace on this bridge

I don't wanna get clean

I just wanna want it

Staring at the ceiling

Like it's gonna call it

My son deserves a father

Not something like me

I don't wanna get clean

I just wanna want that dream

Binder tight on my rib cage

Old scars under my sleeve

People laugh at my pronouns

They don't know when I leave

Hit the light in the bathroom

Jaw wired

Eyes wide red

Smoke writes lies on the mirror

“You're better like this

” it said

I don't wanna get clean

I just wanna want it

Keep reheating reasons

Then I never pour it

My son deserves a father

Not a rumor he’s seen

I don't wanna get clean

I just wanna want that dream

What if I show up shaking

What if I stay home and use

What if I drop him at his dads house

Then disappear before noon

I'm scared of who I am sober

I'm scared of who I am now

I'm begging some future version of me

To figure this out (please)

I don't wanna get clean

I just wanna want it

Hands pressed to the carpet

Heart stuck on a target

My son deserves a father

Not a name on a screen

I don't wanna get clean

Please

Help me want that dream