I hope " Christmas"

Yeah… Merry f***ing Christmas.

Santa’s watching… I got some wishes for you.

I hope you get coal in your stocking (coal, coal!)

I hope your eggnog spills all over your living room (spill, spill!)

I hope your tree falls down, breaks all your ornaments (crash!)

I hope your dog shits on your floor no matter how many times you mop it (eww!)

I hope your lights blow out before Christmas Eve (blink, blink!)

I hope your ugly sweater gives you a rash, believe me (itch, itch!)

I hope your fruitcake’s rock hard, break a tooth if you bite it (crunch!)

I hope your mistletoe’s fake, your kisses don’t excite it (ugh!)

I hope your cat climbs the tree, knocks it down in the night (meow!)

I hope your cousin farts at dinner, that’s my delight (pfft!)

I hope your wine turns to vinegar, toast turns to crumbs (ahh!)

I hope your snowman melts like your dreams (drip, drip!)

I hope your grandpa snorts eggnog straight through the seams (snort!)

I hope your Santa hat’s itchy, your beard makes you sneeze (ah-choo!)

I hope your hot cocoa burns your tongue, taste buds fry (burn!)

I hope an elf kicks you in the shins, over and over (ouch!)

I hope your uncle’s extra touchy, “holiday cheer” in full effect (eww!)

I hope your grandma gets run over by a rain deer (Again!)

I hope you get coal in your stocking (woo!)

I hope your eggnog spills all over your living room (ahh!)

I hope your tree falls down, breaks all your ornaments (crash!)

I hope your dog shits on your floor no matter how many times you mop it (eww!)

I hope your lights blow out before Christmas Eve (blink!)

I hope your ugly sweater gives you a rash, believe me (itch!)

I hope your fruit punch is vodka with a twist (sip!)

I hope your tree falls on your Wi-Fi, can’t stream shit! (ugh!)

I hope your fire pit smokes you out, the smoke’s no lie (cough!)

I hope your reindeer ride backwards, you just sit and cry (boohoo!)

I hope your candy canes are broken, stuck in your teeth (snap!)

I hope your gingerbread house collapses, trap you inside (oh no!)

I hope your partridge in a pear tree eats your pie (eat it!)

I hope all your presents are just socks that are too loose (dang!)

Yeah… Merry f***ing Christmas.

I hope it’s chaotic, messy, nasty… exactly how you don’t want it.

I hope you get coal in your stocking (coal!)

I hope your eggnog spills all over your living room (spill!)

I hope your tree falls down, breaks all your ornaments (ahh!)

I hope your dog shits on your floor no matter how many times you mop it (ew!)

I hope your lights blow out before Christmas Eve (blink!)

I hope your ugly sweater gives you a rash, believe me (itch!)

I hope your fruitcake’s rock hard, bite it if you dare (crunch!)

I hope your neighbor’s cat shits in your hair (meow!)