Papa

It's was February 14th I was 17 when I got the news
You had less then 6 months to live and I ain't know what the fuck to do
I just ran too my room crying cause you been taking care of me since 3 years out of the womb
Like God why does it gotta be you
You're the best man ever knew
Why does he gotta send you to heaven gates so soon 
 You ain't even my blood , you saw me as yo son
So yo death is stickin to my brain like glue LIKE FUCK
Started a gofund me for chemo to try to avoid the inevitable 
But its like as soon as we did yo health went critical
2 months later I'm sitting at yo deathbed I dont even know if you can hear me
Made sure everyone was asleep cause I needed that privacy 
Can't let my brother and sisters see the pain inside of me
I went so numb I ain't even cry at your funeral
Cause I couldn't even make you proud and that's all I wanted to do
You was a man who through yo life away for 5 kids 
Workin overtime every FUKIN weekend so we could live
You were truly the hero in my life and I wanted to see you again 
So I tried to hang my neck from a tree
But that branch couldn't hold me
Thats when I just layed there and looked at the sky cause I knew you was watching over me
Then I realized I actually never see you again cause hells where I'll prolly be
If you could see me now you'd be so disappointed 
I went the opposite way of what you wanted , turned to drugs and bub cause it was the only thing that could sooth the pain that I was holdin 
Started Pickin up them cigarettes so maybe I could go out the same way you did, go to the same place you did, depend on it for a quick fix just like you did
I promise you Papa I'm still trynna live my life like nothin happened but to death broke me while I was already broken
And yea I'm still smokin them cigarettes that put you on the chopping block
If I get lucky maybe my heartll stop
And I'll just be a long lost memory of all I lost
Or I'll pick up something else or start stealing and robbing cause an addiction is all I got
Rn im just takin it day by day
I haven't told anyone but Ive already given up and my minds where I stay
Nobody's known the real me since I that day
So I just roll my thoughts inside a rello and smoke the pain away
Who would thought tho I used to beg you to quit smokin , I was so innocent, now I beg myself to quit smokin, but it's the same result as back then isn't it,
I probably won't stop till it too late cause this world really isnt it
But I forgive you Papa cause ik your love was really true, I saw the fear and light fade from your eyes cause you wondered what we would do
You wondered  what we'd do without you
Fast forward a couple years I'm piece a shit
I leaned to close to the dark side and I got bit
I went from slit wrists to cocaine and psychedelic trips 
This ain't supposed to be how I cope but it is what it is
Spent my whole check on drugs and bub just to get those feelings out my fukin head again , what a bitch

Lyrical gospel jazz hiphop