If only I knew

If only you knew

how much I love you—

not the kind that fades

when voices rise

or doors close hard,

but the kind that stays

even in silence.q

We clash like storms

because I see myself in you—

pieces of me

I never learned how to heal.

You may see your dad

when you look in the mirror,

but I see my heart

walking around in your chest.

I know that war inside you—

the mind pulling one way,

the heart another,

truth tangled up

in pain and pride.

If I had understood back then

what I know now,

I would have held on tighter,

spoken softer,

chosen better roads

for both of us.

You were a beautiful baby,

you are a beautiful man,

even on the days

the world only sees your anger.

They don’t see

your loyalty,

your fire,

your way of loving

so deeply it hurts.

You learned that love

comes with conditions,

that loyalty breaks

with a cost—

but that wasn’t who you were,

it was what you were shown.

And I was the one

who showed you.

I gave you ways to escape

instead of ways to heal—

a quiet I thought would help,

that only made the noise louder.

That truth lives in me now,

heavy and honest.

Still—

if love could fix everything,

you and your siblings

would walk on clouds

and never touch pain again.

I watch from a distance now,

holding memories

of rocking you to sleep,

wishing I could go back,

just once more,

to tell you

you were always enough.

I am still here.

I will always be here.

Even if all I can be

is a place you land

when the world gets too heavy.

And I will wait—

for a day

where we sit together again,

not broken,

not angry,

just family.

Maybe someday

we’ll all feel it the same—

this love

that never left.

My Heart

Mom