Half-baked Hero

You’re stacking blocks on the carpet

I’m stacking doubts in my head

You call me "Aba"

And it breaks my mask

Everything I thought I was

Everything I thought we would be

Now a broken memory

Photo frame face down on the counter

Our rings in a box by the window

We could have built a forever

But I couldn’t be enough

Not for me, not for him,

But I need to be.

For you I need to be

Enough for me

I’m a half-baked hero

Shaking in the doorway

Trying to hold steady while you say my name

You deserve a mountain

I’m a fault line

Cracking when I look at what I’ve done

I don’t know how to love you

Without tearing at the seams

But I’ll stay

I’ll stay

Even when I don’t trust me

Therapist says "ride the wave"

Feels more like I am the storm

Switch from "I’ve got this" to "run away"

Faster than your cartoons turn on

Missing out on the moments

I looked forward to the most

Arguing with ghosts in my mind

He said I needed to be honest

Now I’m here

And he’s gone

I smoke another one

And start trying to move on

Some days I’m your father

Some days I’m that scared kid

Changing my name

Changing my body

Wishing he’d seen how much I did

I split myself into villains and saints

Black and white

Never gray

You see me breaking

And run up with your soft blankie

Use it to wipe my tears away

Collect all the sad and all the angry

And help me to throw it away

You fall asleep on my shoulder

Cheek pressed to my heart

I whisper

"I’m sorry,

I love you,

I’m trying,

Little monster

I swear,

I’ll be there,

I love you"

You mumble

"Aba-ba" to the dark

Maybe I’ll never feel steady

But I can be here when you wake

If love is just showing up

Even when broken

Then I’m here

And I’ll stay