Push you away

I push people away before they get too close,

Before they see the parts of me nobody knows.

'Cause the moment they do, I start expecting the worst,

Waiting for the day they leave, just like the first.

At the start they swear they're never gonna go,

Say they understand me, say they love me so.

Hold me like I'm something that they're scared to lose,

Then the energy changes and I see the clues.

Replies get shorter, conversations dry,

Less "How are you?" and more silence in reply.

And maybe they think that I don't notice the shift,

But I notice everything, every crack, every drift.

'Cause people love you easy when you're easy to love,

But it's different when they see what you're made of.

The overthinking, sadness, all the weight that I hide,

The storm beneath the smile that I wear outside.

So I pull away first, yeah, I leave before they leave,

Build the walls higher than anybody can reach.

I tell myself I'm safer when I'm standing alone,

But the truth is I just hate watching people let go.

I push people away, not because I don't care,

But because losing somebody is a pain I can't bear.

And I'd rather break my own heart than watch it happen again,

So I become the ending before the ending begins.

Even when I let somebody see the real me,

There's still a thousand things they'll never see completely.

I keep pieces hidden, keep wounds out of sight,

Saving something for myself when they say goodbye.

Because abandonment's a language that I learned too well,

I know every warning sign, every story it tells.

I know what it's like watching love slowly fade,

Watching somebody change while they stand in your space.

Less patient, less certain, less willing to stay,

Till the person that you knew starts slipping away.

So now I detach before they can disappear,

Turn cold, turn quiet, act like I don't care.

Maybe I'm protecting myself... maybe I'm scared.

Maybe every goodbye left damage somewhere.

Maybe after enough people walk out the door,

You stop believing forever means forever anymore.

So I pull away first, yeah, I leave before they leave,

Break my own heart early so the hurt feels weak.

I grieve the relationship before it's even gone,

Trying to survive a goodbye that hasn't come.

And maybe that's the saddest thing I've ever become,

Someone who leaves emotionally before anyone.

Not because I wanted loneliness to be my home,

But because I got convinced nobody stays for long.

So I push people away before they get too close,

Pretending I don't need them, pretending I don't hope.

But deep down all I've ever wanted from the start,

Was somebody who'd stay when I handed them my heart.