Alyssa

(Verse 1)

Oh Alyssa, girl, I hope you’re well,

Livin’ in that Dollar Tree perfume smell.

He said you were “special,” oh isn’t that cute?

He told me that too — right before he stole my boots.

You really bagged a winner, a whole grown man-child,

A cop with a hero complex and a credit score gone wild.

But hey, at least he didn’t lie to you…

Well… give it a week. Maybe two.

(Chorus)

Alyssa, Alyssa, bless your tragic little heart,

You picked up my trash thinkin’ it was high art.

Hope you love the gaslighting, girl, hope you love the drama —

He comes with lies, excuses, and his mama.

Alyssa, Alyssa, congrats on your clown,

Try not to drown when he drags you down.

(Verse 2)

He was mooching off me like rent was optional,

His ego so big, it’s almost constitutional.

Narcissist deluxe, with a badge and an attitude,

The type to start a fight, then cry if you’re rude.

But you grabbed him quick like he was some prize,

Sis, he’s a Groupon discount in disguise.

I hope he told you stories ‘bout how “crazy” I seem…

Don’t worry, you’re next — it’s his whole routine.

(Chorus)

Alyssa, Alyssa, girl, I know you think he’s loyal,

But his love expires quicker than gas station foil.

He’ll cheat, he’ll lie, he’ll cry, he’ll pout —

Just wait ‘til he runs out of places to hide out.

Alyssa, Alyssa, enjoy your new mess,

He’ll swear you’re “the one” right before he texts his ex.

(Bridge — Greek Chorus of Petty Women)

“Oh Alyssa, darling, open your eyes,

He’s the human equivalent of reheated fries.

May the universe bless you, you’re gonna need luck,

Cause dating that man is a full-time job… and it STILL sucks.”

(Final Chorus)

Alyssa, Alyssa, we’re rooting for you,

To realize he ain’t shit and run while you’re still new.

But thanks for the favor — you took out my trash,

Enjoy the drama, the crying, the gas.

Alyssa, Alyssa, girl, have fun with that clown,

When he cheats on you… just know I warned you now.