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Thoughts of mine...

(Whilst pandoras box is open and vunerable and full of emotional spilliage u might aswell get some thoughts of mine)

Have u ever felt abandoned like deep to the core.. so much so u build a wall around you so you dont fall to the floor?

Do u understand how it feels to look alive but be dead inside? To wanna be seen and heard so desperately that your screams and crys are just echos of the mind? To associate love with pain outa fear of being left out in the rain.

Do u understand the strength just to wake up everyday pretending to be fine when inside u just wanna curl up and cry. When uve had to build an exterior so fierce to protect whats left because next time u just might not survive.

To love u was the easy bit the natural soul tie was built on that, loving u has never been the problem its all the other shit the big fuck ups are the deeper shit. How can heaven and hell be the way that defines this mess and u act like u couldnt care less. Y did it take a hit back for u to understand the mess when all i wanted was a rest. A rest from my thoughts from the images imprinted in my brain to breathe to process to try and figure a way through the mess.. instead all i got was more stress pushed to the limits i couldnt think straight. Pushed to be a protector cz i couldnt lose again i barely survived i couldnt let u take her from me. All i ever wanted was u to notice me the power the impact the struggle u pushed on me.

I was not the perfect person i made mistakes so way more servere than others. I shut down instead of opening up because i learnt the min u find a weakness u tap into that so i had to build a wall to keep the one person i wanted in out from them parts that u could use to further hurt me. I have allowed so much out of believing i deserve it for what i did that now i hit the limit and that in turn means weve performed the last act in the show weve turned the last in the book and your writing your new story in the arms of someone else all of which im sure u believe i deserve..

I was only ever searching for u to love me. Love shouldnt be judged on how many fuck ups u put me through and need forgiveness for.. i followed u round the country tryna make u see me like really see me not just.because u find me attractive.. i dont think u ever have acknowledged the depths of what u did to me yet expect exactly that from me. I cant erase the absolute shit show train wreck i was involved in i pray everyday wishing i could take that back and act differently with logic instead of sheer revenage and hatred because my heart isnt that person thats not who i am im embarrased remorseful sorry more than u could ever care to imagine. I was hurting so deep i allowed that to reflect in my behaviour.. and now my punishment is knowing u love someone else in ways u dont me. Were so caught up in needing the other person to be sorry we become less accountable for all the things that got us there