Mr. First-Guy-Into-the-Cold-Pool Man

(Announcer - deep, gravelly voice):

Bud Light presents... the Real Men of Genius.

(Singer - soulful, high-pitched wail): REAL MEN OF GENIUS!

(Announcer):

Today we salute you, Mr. First-Guy-Into-the-Cold-Pool Man.

(Singer): MR. FIRST-GUY-INTO-THE-POOL MAN!

(Announcer):

All around you, others hesitate. They dip a toe, they shiver, they make excuses about letting their lunch settle. But not you. You see that pristine, 68-degree water not as a challenge, but as a destiny. You walk to the edge, a beacon of bravery in floral-print swim trunks.

(Singer - powerful chorus):

You take the plunge when no one else will dare!

A cannonball that flies right through the air!

Ignoring every cautionary stare!

That frigid splash says you just do not care!

(Announcer):

You emerge from the depths, gasping. Your skin is a roadmap of goosebumps and your teeth chatter a rhythm of pure, unadulterated courage. For a glorious thirty seconds, you have the entire pool to yourself, a lonely king in a chlorinated kingdom. You've broken the seal of fear for everyone else.

(Singer - powerful chorus):

You take the plunge when no one else will dare!

A cannonball that flies right through the air!

Ignoring every cautionary stare!

That frigid splash says you just do not care!

(Announcer):

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, O' Captain of the Concrete Sea. Because you know the secret: the water's fine... once you can no longer feel your extremities.

(Singer - ad-libbing as the music fades):

So cold! So brave! You're a hero, man! Oh, you're a genius!

(Sound of a can opening and a satisfying "ahh.")